This accounts to the best of my recollection some of the details of a journey, among many, I had in this relationship that I supposed was an open relationship in most of its angles, and has been a loving, mutually respectful one at that. And I had this with someone whom I've considered to be a good friend and whom I've met the first time after he called me to come over to his place to give him a whole body massage, of the more sexual variety because something like it always happens in these kinds of transactions (with certain exceptions) when I still used to actively do massages (a set of skills I learned hands-on from having massaged at least 100 men when I was still attending men's nude massage events in Manhattan years ago), as a practical way to make ends meet during my first few years in New York City (NYC). Consider it, also, that a lot of the memories I have managed to recall and shared here could have been partly erroneous by the time I've managed to write them down here. Readers should beware, including those who may think they're cited here one way or another.
This friend responded to my postings then on Craigslist.org where I would offer my massage services as one of the viable ways to make a living by choosing deliberately not to do full time jobs and after I've stopped looking for job opportunities actively. Of course, these first few meetings between my friend and myself were far from the ideal and readers would normally have not-so-pleasing thoughts about such transactions and activities that happen all the time in a very normal business manner in major and big cities like NYC. The service I would provide him would end up with happy endings, and with him telling me and directing me even one time to just do what I wanted to do (most probably so that I could have fun as well and not merely doing some paid service). And I would always remember him because I like the way he looks, being tall, hairy and lean, and even if he's not at all a looker if compared with the most physically good-looking guys I've met and seen here in NYC todate. In this special case, the looks would have not mattered at all. It's been his interesting character that's always curious for something about knowing more of other cultures.
During one of those conversations as we went about the usual procedures during these massage sessions, I also remember that he would open up about his failed relationship with another Filipino guy whom he has met and fallen in love with when they were still much younger (I'm assuming here that he has really fallen deeply in love with that guy, which I could not confirm first hand because I never had the chance to meet with that guy). Eventually, as we became lovers as well, I would actually tease him about this other Filipino guy that "he is your other lover." At the risk of revealing very private information that does not necessarily have to be shared unwittingly to others but should remain extremely private, I'm still taking the chance to share them here. And in the process of doing so, enable myself to move on from these sets of memories I have on loving, sad, fulfilling and devastating experiences I had shared with this interesting fellow. Also, the point of sharing this story is for myself to continue learning from those experiences and become a better person in the process, if I happened to find myself in similar situations. I know I'll keep on loving as long as I am living, and I'll be meeting so many other people who would find themselves in the same pathway as I am now. And I've taken the opportunity to share these recollections here as I don't have any idea if something like this will ever happen to me again.
After those massage calls that would happen every now and then, I would come and meet again this fellow in a gathering of a group in one of those rooms at the LGBT Center in Manhattan. Doing some kind of a volunteer service to the group, he was then out of job, after having been fired from his job where he probably stayed for many years. When I approached him, he certainly would give me a nice smile, with bright and curious eyes, and remember me. And we would start dating constantly after that meeting where we made sure we exchanged contact numbers. I remember I gave him my business card, and I would see that businesscard on his dining table the next time I was invited to his place. In the following meetings, we would meet up in coffeeshops and at the LGBT Center, and would often end up in his apartment and in engaging in the most physical and intimate activities we could do with each other. I would figure out how to deal with him as a lover, considering that I still have a long term relationship with a partner based in the Philippines, which relationship's been in the hanging situation mainly because he won't consider moving here in the USA. The meetings my friend and I had were really most pleasurable as far I was concerned ---I do hope he enjoyed himself that much, too. And I would recall how those sexual encounters that took place between us would stop eventually for some uncertain reasons that would confound me for some time. And still, I persisted in keeping a space for him in my heart, mainly because I like him really as a person.
Except on certain occasions during this open relationship that must have lasted for nearly two years or so, our conversations have always been mostly fun, mostly honest, engaging and very interesting. I think I made the terrible mistake of having not clarified nor talked with him about my understanding that we were having an open relationship, a sort of a no-strings-attached set-up. In fact, I would remember the many times that he had to remind me that I had been keeping him too long on the phone as I would usually be motivated to just tell him whatever was coming out my mind, details on whatever was happening in my life, whenever we engage in phone talks. Both of us being essentially well-read, outgoing and always curious, we would cover a range of topics, including politics, travel, cultures, business, finance, relationships, sex, among others. I would even tell one very good friend of mine that this fellow has remained being very interesting to me essentially because we could talk and cover a lot of topics in our conversations.
And my ex-lover said once in one of those earliest meetings we had after we saw each other at the LGBT Center: "I have to learn to invite you to come over to my place, or else nothing else will really happen at all," as he would take the risk of inviting me over to his place, and gain the confidence by practicing what other experts have been advising others when it comes to dating and meeting new people. He must have realized sooner or later that he has to learn so much from developing relationships himself so that he'd grow as a person. That also means he's realizing, just like me one time or another, that anything worthy has to be asked for and it won't come to you at all unless it's being asked to come for you to grab, hold or keep. From this meeting on, I would learn to start accepting him as he really was as a person then and someone I've come to know better for a few years as of this writing. Just like me, I've learned that he's really a complex guy as I would go out of my way to appreciate and accept someone who's trying to make a significant living here in NYC, where you could easily meet anyone anytime just like having pleasant-to-look-at eye-candies before so many storefronts all over the city.
Among other interests he's got and been actively pursuing, he's a devoted nudist, which didn't really matter to me personally. I would also learn he's also not that keen to work harder than needed as he has other personal interests to pursue; he probably would like to keep his energy intact for other activities than doing the work that he needs to do today on a 9-5 work schedule and typical among full time job holders. I'd learned from him and would be reminded constantly that a job serves a certain practical purpose from the way he would tell me that he'd 'regretfully' go to work the next day. I would usually disagree with him on this approach but would soon accept it as his way of dealing with the nature and value of work in a society like that found in the East Coast of the USA. I usually won't look at my paid jobs in the manner that he looks at his job, as I've seen having jobs as an important ingredient in accomplishing the goals I've set in my life. Paid work has to be seen something fulfilling and sacred if you will, with the way I look at it after having done many years of Human Resources related work. He's got that very practical outlook when it comes to doing jobs, which I must have soon acquired as I've continued looking at how I make a living here in NYC. Nothing really personal exists when it comes to dealing with jobs for most people here in NYC, not even sentimental notions. You're just taken as a cog so that the complex economic processes of supply and demand would continue moving forward and be constantly oiled to meet the needs and wants of those who are in and around the market.
A few months after we met, he finally got a job, which he took as he saw it as his chance again to do paid work. I would remember his anxiety over accepting this job with a European-owned company somewhere in Wall Street. He was complaining that he had to acquiesce to a big pay cut so that he could get a paid job soonest. Looking at him seated on his dining chair, I saw him being really anxious as he continued to explain his situation to me, which I would have not done to anybody close to me as such, as such level of anxiety I had seen often during job interviews during my career doing Human Resources work.
He would not last long in that job mainly because he was not getting paid that well according to his standards and was doing a job that he didn't really care much about. Also, he's getting anxious over not being able to earn well the way he used to have, which situation can always be difficult to most about anyone. But I would always remember him as one of those who's able to save and invest his earnings, which I would admire about him. He confidently told me that can manage to live off from the earnings of his investments even for a year or so of being unemployed. And that's one of the things that makes him a very desirable, prospective long term partner, which I do hope I can always emulate, become one and do much better in my own terms. Of course, I didn't see any actual figures on these incomes he's been paid for. But I've seen how he's bought and invested in an apartment in Queens, how he has kept a nice car, and how he leads the life he wants to pursue. I would take time to encourage him in his life situation then and be supportive of his efforts, which I hope he recognized. He would be moving to another job as soon as he got the next better chance to do so, which I know has made him a lot happier as a person.
Without me telling too many unwanted details here other than those I've already accounted so far, I would hear bad things from him about how he thought of me during one occasion. He would soon realize that I was in a much more poorer economic condition than he was; I would remember him telling me a lot of very revealing thoughts he had of me one time we met at the Grand Central Station with him being so drunk after a meeting with one of his friends and one of those weekend events he loved going to. I don't know nor remember if he let me bring him to his apartment that night. But I would tell him the next day that I heard certain things from him that I would rather not learn about from him, and he must have realized what he had done and would apologize to me in his usual kind, sincere manner. I've forgiven him for the slurs. But in the course of the relationship, I gradually realized how he really values the role of money in leading the kind of life you desire for yourself and in being able to earn a living in a more regular way that most people around would continue doing in a much changed world in this part of the USA.
I could have taken those points seriously to heart and learned to realize sooner that he would really have a hard time understanding and appreciating my efforts to lead a more creative and entrepreneurial life. But, apparently, I haven't and was foolish enough to consider being in what I figured out to be a loving relationship with him. And that's mainly because he has other wonderful qualities as a person. In having worked full time in the corporate world doing mainly Human Resources work that entails keeping so many critical information confidential, I'd learn to keep most things about my finances to myself and would never tell him much about how I make a living here in NYC, mainly because I know those details would bother him especially if they're not really positive as he would expect them to be. I think he has strong and well founded ideas about how I had been coping with daily in my own life but he won't go out of his way to ask me about them. I now realize that the effects of that approach I took could have been one of those strong reasons why he would eventually lose interest in pursuing a long-term, a more significant relationship with me, or in working together with me to bring the relationship on a higher level.
The relationship, without myself clarifying details to more appropriately describe it (as they would be very revealing and would unnecessarily bring about bad memories to all parties concerned here), was open in so many ways than one, without us talking and agreeing about it. I know he would go to nude events anywhere in the city; he was open to the idea of myself attending such events but I chose not to do so. Those events are not at all cheap and he told me nothing explicitly sexual happens there, which I will have to probably verify one of these days. I like to believe these meetings involving naked men are not even erotic. It's one of those meet ups where guys could relate with each other without their usual clothes on, and I can imagine such events can be mentally and emotionally liberating. I think what he said to me was true because I had another good friend who showed up one time in one of those regular events but he was asked not to come back again as he started having sex with someone, which prompted others to join them and be engaged in group sex.
I would also learn that my ex-lover would go to nudist camps by himself or with his friends. I didn't really think much about these events even if he told me one time that he'd fooled around with someone in one of those many occasions that he was in the camp, which almost always happen during the summer. And I know that he could have been getting in touch with other guys through Craigslist and would ask them to give him massages or something else for a fee. I would remember also that he told me once that I was actually "doing a good job providing massages," which I took more as a compliment than anything else. I would never know if he would tell our other common friends and acquaintances about the fact that we first met each other in a commercial massage-providing situation. And I know, just like what he knows very well about me when it comes to this common habit we share, that he watches porn whenever he's got the chance. I remember that he would have wanted both of us to video some of those sexual activities that we used to do together, but which I haven't have the motivation to agree and do so. The actual sex stopped soon even before I was ready to be inspired to allow myself to be pictured while engaged in sex. As such, given all these details, both of us can't really accuse each other of infidelity as such won't hold water and would make each of us look stupid and ridiculous.
We probably lost our common pathway together as lovers from the accumulation of setbacks and disappointments that we would experience during times when we were together and during periods when would not keep in touch with each other. Among many other issues, I think I'm guilty of having failed to keep regular contact with him, which he must have taken badly especially during a conversation with another friend where I blurted out that I "don't really go out of my way to call people because I'm usually busy." I realize that he has been trying to understand and know me better but those occasions where he could gather more significant facts about me would happen during meetings and conversations with other friends around. I would not really know if he was actively looking for ways for us to be together more often because I never asked to be clarified about such issues with him. He probably thought and have felt I was taking him for granted. I probably have given him the wrong impression that he could freely do his own thing, pursue his life and basically leave me alone with my life, and for both of us to just go about with the open relationship that we were having. And that we would continue until something more significant takes place along the way, which would eventually do.
I know he told me months before I finally understood that I've lost him after he said something about that regular dating he's been having with another guy, which I would learn from him over the phone. Now I would recall a number of phonetalks that we had that I should have paid more attention to but I miserably ignored and failed. I heard him tell me about how he's getting scared listening to what that other guy was telling him about their growing relationship, which to him sounded very serious. And I just kept mum about a lot of things I had in mind during that particular talk and I actually ignored much of it. I was thinking I still have him as a lover, mainly because of the open relationship set up we had (which, again, we didn't really talk and agree about; I would just understand the relationship as such). And I was thinking it's one of those things that normally happen between lovers or probably I was then being concerned at the back of my mind about so many other priorities in my list.
One Saturday, I would join him and another friend at the Eagle's Bar in Manhattan. He has told me about the bar before in one of our phone conversations; I had been there one time during some Folsom-related events in the East Coast. He even told me about how he was there one time wearing his leather harness, probably cruising around, but he got so drunk and was soon disappointed the next day over how he behaved himself. During that Saturday when we were there, we were fooling with and around others who were roaming and walking in the enclosed cruising area. But later in the evening, I remember feeling his hands touching me in ways I recognized were tender, foolish, loving and caressing, which were exactly want I needed from him and I knew he has always known of my desires because I've always told him about those thoughts every time we were in bed together. We would also kiss each other on the lips, but I would remember they were somewhat different from the kissing situations we've had before. He wasn't really massaging me at all at those parts where his hands landed on the back of my body. Gleefully, I felt we were flirting again with each other, which we have not done so for some time then. He would do that at least 4 times during that night. I took those signs as if he's inviting me again to come to his bed again and enjoy ourselves together, but which I never had the chance to tell him personally. I recall he was also drunk then, which was the same case with me. We would never talk about it in the succeeding meetings we had. And I would be having difficulties recovering from the pleasure of recollecting how I had enjoyed the wonderful, positive feelings during that night, even if I was drunk myself. I would remember them precisely because I felt so good and was wondering about their significance to myself, and was always trying to drown myself from my life pains by imbibing in alcohol. I also remember the many times when my ex-lover and I would talk on the phone about times when we were away from each other and would get drunk with others. He knew I would get drunk especially when I would go out with friends who would invite me over to their places. And he would reveal to me as well those times when he would get drunk himself. I have failed to realize how lonely our respective lives must have been, even if we would continue being with others.
Gradually, I have been realizing a lot of truths and untruths about this failed relationship I had with this ex-lover who I like to believe will remain to be one of my best friends for the rest of my life, even if he made me feel so devastated one time. I would go on many hours when I was up and about and doing a lot of thinking about what went wrong that had led to the termination of the relationship. Of course, the main reason was that he had been dating someone regularly for the past months so there's really no point in keeping my presence around him whenever he's in search for something that he believes his current lover could provide him. I can only wish for the best for both of them. In the meantime, I've continued to move on with my life and its so many wonderful possibilities.
He's got in own brand of sweetness and so many acts of kindness that he's displayed to me often times, and which I must have ignored and have taken for granted for the most part (because I was so serious with my own concerns in life). He would give me a birthday card on my birthday the first year we were together, and which surprised me so much as he inscribed it in his unique, personal way. He would probably say giving a birthday card is really much at all. He would remind me to constantly be safe in our practices especially when it comes to doing anal positions while in bed together. He would buy my book without me asking him to get a copy for himself, and he would find time to read it, which he could have spent on his other interests. And he would even give me the favor of writing a brief review on it on Amazon.com; I'm actually very surprised but very grateful that he has done all these bothersome, time consuming tasks for me. Among many other things he has done for me, he would also offer his help every time I tell him about some projects I'm working on. He would even offer to drive his car and make use of it to move stuff I've been accumulating in my place. During those periods when I would still get to sleep over in his place, he would bother to get up and provide for coffee, orange juice or some other food items that I could have before I go out of his place and venture to complete my activities for the day. He would even bother to collect books he'd seen being thrown away by other tenants in his apartment building; he would give me the books he's decided he'd like to get rid off. He'd even keep and give me copies of magazines that I told him would still get sold through the online storefronts that I've been growing and making very good business from.
He would even invite me to join him in his nude events out of town, which I would not bother to accept mainly because I couldn't afford them or I was doing some part-time jobs. He would even find ways to watch plays and stage shows with me because he understood that I like watching those types of shows; I would remember watching at least 3 live shows with him in different locations in the city. He would also consider doing dancing with me as soon as I got myself active in square dancing, which he thought he could also do. He would introduce me to several of his friends, which efforts on his part I have come to really appreciate. During an outdoor trip, he would even tell me that I should have kept him up by waking him up during that very cold night when I was unable to sleep due to the seething freezing conditions inside that tent and because I was stupid enough not to bring my own sleeping bag somewhere in the middle of New Jersey. He would even join me in watching the annual Ms. Universe Pageant shows on TV with other friends for two years on a row; I could see that he was really enjoying himself being with me during these occasions. I would really appreciate the wonderful feelings he made me feel during the period when we're together more as lovers than friends.
I've come to realize, too, that he could have considered getting into a regular dating set-up with me mainly because I'm also a Filipino like that guy whom he has fallen in love with for so long. Most likely, he would fall for that guy with such intensity that he would even visit the Philippines at least twice with him. I would recall how he would share me some details about that other Filipino guy during sessions when I would show up to give him massages. But the relationship between them probably went cold again and I like to believe that they have not been in touch again for some period of time as of this writing. Who would really know? I don't think it's my business to ask about details on their relationship, which is the same attitude I have about my ex-lover's current and constant date and companion these days. It's really out of my business, and I won't be asking for those details at all unless he opens up about those things with me one of these days.
I'm grateful for his candidness toward me when I asked him during that phone talk about why he won't invite me anymore to come over and for us to be intimate again. He would tell me that he's been dating someone regularly and so there would be no need for him to invite me. I was taken aback somewhat and would linger for some time in the hurt feelings I had upon hearing those words. He was in a way telling me in his own way that I no longer was good enough for him, such that he won't even consider getting both of us on a date and probably do something more intimate together. I would begin to understand why he won't respond as much as I wanted him to be interested in me whenever I would tell him that I've been missing him (he would say one time that it's because we've not been seeing each other as we used to do just like months before). I tried to redirect the intensity of the feelings I had upon hearing from him as he would tell me those words by making use of what I thought about the annoying feelings I was having over the Mainstream Plus Dance lessons we were both into earlier that particular night. He's not really into me anymore, and that's going to be the case until the next time we both decide that we could go on dating and becoming intimate with each other again on some other occasion. Who would really know?
And I would always cherish his presence in my life especially because he made me believe that I could go back to falling in love again and being comfortable with the thought, after having been away from something similar with someone who's decided he can't be following me here in the USA. I had a rather similar experience when another friend and I were in an intimate, a-sort-of-an-open relationship until this particular fellow committed suicide; his sudden, unexpected death totally knocked me out of my usual happy wits and well established beliefs about the value of preserving one's life as long as possible. But with this particular ex-lover, I had experienced being bluntly turned away, the effects of which I had to deal with shamefacedly in the next few instances that we would meet again as we were going to some common events with other friends. He would still treat me in his own sweet way but I knew he'd been relieved to have finally got rid of me, at least in more affectionate and intimate terms. This ex-lover probably would still remember that I have this relationship that is technically more on hold than real all these past years that I've been here in NYC. Don is still in the Philippines and I doubt if he would ever consider getting a US visa so he could visit me here. I have a feeling that we'll get to see each other again as soon as I decide to visit the Philippines. The relationship between Don and myself has not been moving forward and is frozen somewhere in the frigid clouds up in the atmosphere as we're physically separated by thousands of miles in distance.
I like to believe that this ex-lover of mine took the effort to accept me as to who I was then and must have over-extended himself in the process after getting to know me better in time. I wasn't turning into someone he wanted me to be, in so many ways than one. And I believe he's always known about those things I get into myself every time I meet out with people, as I'm basically happy when I'm with other people. He couldn't confront me about them mainly because he, probably, would prefer not to know about them, unless I volunteer to tell him about them. He's told me "it's really up to you, Jerome" when I was asking
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